Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Oh technology...

I’m alone in my room again. 

I survived yet another day in the world outside these four walls.
Not really a miracle by any stretch of the imagination, as millions of people accomplish this same feat every day.  But for me…here…right here…is where I’m most at home.  When I finally make it back here…to this place, I feel my universe right itself.

You see, when I sit at this computer and pour my soul out onto its black keys, I’m not being honest with you…my reader.  I could type anything, make you see exactly what you expect.  But you can’t see my face, distorted as it is by tears.  You can’t hear my screams, releasing the pain and frustration I feel.

I can type…”I’m fine”. While looking up ways to kill myself.

I can say…”Thanks so much.”  While I’m putting a pin in a voodoo doll that has your face.
You’d never know.

And therein lies my security.  False as it is.  Here…in front of this blinking monitor, I finally have control.

You with the perfect face, don’t laugh as you read this.  You know the idea of control all too well.  You’re so comfortable in your perfect little life…but one wrong move can have it crumpling around you.  Yeah…I know you’ve thought about it. I know it’s haunted you in your dreams.  You just keep struggling to maintain the picture perfect life you lead.  The thing is…you’ve surrounded yourself with so many weaknesses.  Any of the people you call “friends” could turn on you and send you into a tailspin.

Me?  I do have control.  Because I haven’t let anyone get close.  I’ve pushed them all away, or didn’t even try in the first place.

I am alone.

And it’s perfect.

I control me.  I control what I say and who I say it to.  I control what I eat, what I drink, what I put into my body. I control what goes onto my body too.  I control my heartbeat, my blood.  I control what I feel.

I’m alone in my room, staring at this monitor, and in what you would probably call a “twisted way”…I am content.

You don’t even know how much you secretly wish you were me.

(inspired by a movie I recently watched. these are not the feelings of the author herself. just sayin.)

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